EA’s 99 Problems

Disclaimer: These opinions do not reflect the opinion of the entire site, just one very stupid, opinionated man.

EA has a chance, right now, to stop acting like an entitled 16 year old girl with a crippling addiction to attention.

I tried to count the ways, off of the top of my head, that the upcoming Battlefield 3 launch has been made childish, insulting and ultimately self defeating. Well, self defeating if gamers weren’t very eager to take the crap just so they can have their game. To start this off, I began the campaign very eager for Battlefield 3, I like the series a lot, the level design, the general feel, and strangely enough, the weight to the guns. Every gun in the Battlefield series always feels like it packs more of a punch than certain other games that I’m sure I don’t need to mention now that I just brought up the Battlefield 3 controversy.

I had a point somewhere around here, I think it fell between the couch cushions.

Oh yeah.

I tried to count the ways, just off the top of my head, floating around in the ether, that EA has shot themselves in the foot or has acted like a bunch of ridiculous, unprofessional, entitled, nonsense spewing retards.

I counted about six different ways.

And for a while, I thought it would be very difficult to insult the gaming community any more than Cliffy B did with his ridiculous mark up of the weapon skins, but it could all be pretty easily dismissed because it was optional content. Let me give you a quick run-down of what EA’s been up to lately.

After a quick round of scratching and biting between rival companies EA and Activision, The red corner (Activision) decided to call for a truce. Paraphrasing, he said that there was enough room in the market for more than one developer. An all-together classy move that should be encouraged in these dog-eat-dog, foaming-at-the-mouth company rivalries. And then EA responds by saying, in the same paragraph, that they were going to eat a massive chunk out of the huge success that made Modern Warfare, and oh yeah, Activision sucks, boo Activision, yay Electronic Arts, taunting them on the failures of Guitar Hero and Tony Hawk.

So let’s count exactly how many times EA shot themselves in the foot in this instance alone. In fact, let’s make it fun, let’s keep score.

They allowed themselves to become embroiled in a mudslinging fight to begin with, pretty standard stuff, not too unforgivable. Then they slap their competitor in the face when they call for a truce, which could hardly be considered good marketing, much less in line with basic human consideration, so that’s two, and then they make fun of Activision for their failure after A. saying that they were going to take a chunk out of the huge success that is Modern Warfare and B. making fun of them for sucking. While, yes, Guitar Hero and Tony Hawk did eventually curl up and die without any signs of grace or panache, these guys still make CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE. Oh, and is a subsidiary of Activision Blizzard. Let’s not even get into that whole “Still very much tied to Blizzard, a company making more money than God ever shed tears over” thing. That counts as two points right there. Oh and let’s not forget that EA’s games are, and I’d like to say this as clearly as possible without any ambiguity.

JUST

NOT

VERY

GOOD.

While you can debate this in the comments below, and yeah, they’ve made a few good games, whoop-dee-dah, let’s remember that all of their games are either A. a gaseous crap bubble produced once a year by EA Sports, B. Movie or Licensed tie-ins, basically making them the LJN of the new generation. (To those who aren’t huge retro game nerds like me, LGN produced more terrible movie games for the NES than cows produce milk, steak or crap.) or C. NOT GOOD.

And before you start moaning about Mass Effect, Dragon Age or Crysis, I’m talking about EA as a developer. I hate WB Games, but they published Bastion, my favorite game of all time, I don’t credit them for making it, I credit them for seeing that it was good and giving it to people. EA didn’t make Mass Effect, Dragon Age or Crysis, they gave them lots of money. Wanna know what they have made? Mirror’s Edge, Army of Two and spunkloads of sports titles I’m appalled anyone still cares about.

I count five points so far.

EA: 5

Morality And Tact: 0

Now let’s talk about the treatment, not of other companies, as stupid and self-serving as it is, but their customers. EA doesn’t like its customers, and that includes you. You, the guy looking at this. They really don’t like you. Try going into their office with coffee and donuts to bring the staff, just to brighten their morning and I am almost positive that Jeff Brown will personally find you at the elevator, punch you in the stomach, take the donuts and your lunch money and leave you with a letter containing a picture of your dead parents.

And if you pre-ordered Battlefield 3, then he will also bite your ear off and give twenty bucks to every hot secretary that gives you blue balls.

The problem is that if customers have a complaint, then EA will do everything in their power to ignore you or invalidate your opinion. When launch day DLC was announced, a bunch of gamers got up in arms, cancelling their pre-orders because this was a clear case of unbalancing the game for sales, reducing the game’s overall quality. I doubt many people cancelled their pre-orders when Cliffy B ran around naked and sobbing. This was a conflict to be handled delicately and with class, like Sony during E3 about the PSN shut down. EA responded to claims that the weapons would imbalance and degrade the game with a resounding ‘nuh uh’.

And let’s not forget this fascinatingly hilarious little number right here.

Oh, and don’t get me started on the Origin service.

Well it might be a little too late for that. The picture appeared, so I guess I’m getting started on the Origin service. This is a case of screwing over both customer and developer. Steam, a revolutionary service created by Valve, a publisher/developer I hold in extremely high regard, that offers quick and easy access to downloadable PC games. Relished by big name publishers and indie developers alike, EA, like any smart company, saw that it was doing extremely well, and like a dumb company, decided to pull all support from it and make their own and force their customer base to use it.

Battlefield 3 will not run on PCs if Origin is not running. Now I was kind of pissy from the very moment I heard this, but also thought it forgivable. Sure, it’s a dumb move and trying to compete with Steam is not only detrimental to themselves but a lot of developers as well. Not that I believe that EA cares, but still. This is all pretty standard stuff. Then two things happened that I think should be noted very carefully.

First off, it was announced that Origin, as long as it is running, has full access to your computer and everything that happens on it. I don’t consider this to be out of ill intent, they aren’t trying to spy on you, the just want to know where to advertise. That being said, I do think it’s not ill intent, but rather, COMPLETE inconsideration that damns the entire idea. Just because they likely won’t be spying on your computer, they damn sure want to be able to at any moment.

And second, as PSN changed their terms of service to stop Class Action lawsuits from happening, which makes sense, after the PSN shut down, they probably lost a lot of money to Class Action lawsuits, and it would just be considered smarter to have someone trained in law to be looking after your case, and not some bored jury that’s probably made up of the same mothers that blame The Sims for addicting their child to pornography.

EA saw that and said HEY that’s not a bad idea! We don’t like Class Action lawsuits either! Not due to some sort of actual crash that could cost the company millions, but just because they want their Origin service to stay just the way it is and not have any Cl-… you know what, I’m just going to start calling them CALs. They don’t want CALs, but they want to spy on you.

So let’s talk about what happens if you buy Battlefield 3 for the PC.

Actually, let’s not and say we did.

… Crap, looks like I have to.

You buy it, install it and attempt to play it. WRONG, can’t play it until you download Origin. So you download Origin. Then you start trying to play Battlefield 3. WRONG, Origin needs to be running. If Origin is running, that means it gets to see all of your poetry and porn folders. And to run Origin, you must also accept the Terms of Service. So to count down, you have to be okay with being spied on, have two very weighty programs running and waive your right to a jury trial if you want to play Battlefield 3.

Counting from the top…

EA: 10

EA’s Customer Base: -57

Normally in an editorial, I rant along the end, summarizing everything and talking about why I’m angry, but this ti-

WAIT

I forgot, even after all of this, they still have the gall to make fun of Call of Duty with a commercial and an extremely unfitting rap song.

EA: 11

Stupidity: Pretty much the same

Normally in an editorial, I rant along the end, summarizing everything and talking about why I’m angry, but this time I think everything speaks for itself. That being said, I have twenty bucks riding on Battlefield 3 being Game of the Year.

Because life just kind of sucks like that.