Dead or Alive Paradise Review

Dead or Alive has been around for a while introducing some memorable fighting games.  Somewhere along its lifespan the women of DOA branched off to do their own thing and strut their stuff.  Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball was released in 2003 and showed the sexier side of the girls who were usually kicking butt and taking names.  For the most part it received decent scores. 

Now the PSP is their newest home with Dead or Alive Paradise.  Can the latest addition to the series carry the same quality we have seen so many times before?

Here are the HOTs and NOTs.

HOT

Custom Music
This was a welcome surprise to the game.  If you have any music downloaded on your PSP you can select it to be played by accessing the music options in game.  So you are able to select which of the game’s existing music will play along with any of your own.  The only problem with this is that the music can not be in a folder.  It must be under the Music section of the XMB without being in a folder.  Personally, this was a problem since all of my music was separated into folders corresponding to their artist.  Only one song was not in a folder and death metal is not exactly the perfect match for background music during a photo shoot.  With a few tweaks to how this works this would be a wonderful feature to add to PSP games.

I am sure you are expecting me to put the next HOT here right?  Well that is too bad.  There is not one.  The ability to enjoy your own music was the only respectable factor in this game.

NOT

Gameplay
Dead or Alive has always provided addicting and enjoyable gameplay.  They say “never say never” and now I know you should not “always say always”.  I assumed the series would always find a way to improve upon previous mechanics and keep the experience fresh.  That is certainly not the case here.  You are presented with a handful of incomplete minigames.  These consist of three casino games, a volleyball game, pool hopping, and snapping pictures of the women relaxing.  Which one should you choose?  None of the above and I will tell you why.  Snapping pictures is nothing more than taking photos of women while the walk around or relax by the pool.  I am sure this will deteriorate into “What’s the most sexual position can I catch her in?” or “How close can I zoom in on her boobs?” for some people.  Maybe, just maybe, you are not a total pervert and you bought this game hoping to play some wonderful and challenging volleyball.  That is why a lot of boys are going to buy this right?  Anyways, the volleyball is a nightmare.  It does not feel the least bit satisfying and it is extremely broken.  Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach volleyball was a good volleyball game surrounded by some sexual stuff. 

Dead or Alive Paradise is a borderline peep show with some mediocre gameplay mechanics thrown in to pass it off as a game.  The casino is….you guessed it…boring.  Nothing more needs to be said about that.  Finally, there is pool hopping.  There are floating square tiles reaching across the pool with buttons placed on each and the player must press the corresponding button in order to progress and beat their opponent.  Although it is not a minigame you also have the option to take part in the gift exchange process.  You can purchase gifts and get them wrapped in a variety of colors.  Once that is done you can give them to another DOA girl who is on the beach.  Giving gifts is the best way to make friends as the game heavily emphasizes this idea.  I bet you are teeming with excitement and optimistic thoughts about this game right about now.

Graphics
The PSP has shown that it can display some good graphics, but this is not being shown here.  This is a game that is trying to sell itself merely on sex appeal and the hormones of younger boys.  It fails at doing so because the graphics leave the women looking jagged and it is not appealing in any way.  Remember that this game is rated M so that means the person buying it must be 17+.  Chances are if you are this age or past it than you have access to better stuff through the internet or your real life girlfriend.  You have one of those right?  You are much better off investing your time in obtaining a girlfriend in real life than wasting your money on pixelated women with odd breast physics.  They will bring you much more happiness and satisfaction.  Although they have the ability to break your heart just watching DOA Paradise being played will break your heart as you realize the series has reached an all time low.

Physics
The game takes pride in its breast physics.  They have no reason to.  They tried to recreate the jiggle and individual physics that were displayed on the console versions when they released, but this is just down right funny.  They look like they are trying to separate from each other or detach from their owner completely.  With every other animation seeming stiff for the most part it is odd that this one section of their body can not stop moving.

Music
I commented earlier that I enjoyed the ability to listen to my own music in the game.  That is because the music the game contains normally is complete trash.  Unless you are in to cheesy techno then I have a feeling you will be just as turned off as I was when it started playing.  Although I only had one song available from my library to listen to I decided that having that one on repeat for the entirety of my game time was better than having to endure what was on the playlist already.

Price
The price is $29.99.  This is outrageous.  Actually anything above FREE is ridiculous.  I almost believe they should pay players to partake in this game.  It is sheer torture.  No one, including those with an abundance of hormones, should pay thirty bucks for this game.  If you are truly that desperate for half-naked women, then there are other ways you can spend a fraction of that money and obtain better results.

Story
I almost forgot.  There is a story hidden somewhere amongst the scantily clad women.  You choose one of ten women to take part in a two week vacation at New Zack Island.  There it is.  As you can tell this is the kind of story that unfolds through unforeseen twists and unbelievable character arcs.  Alright I have to say I am growing tired of the sarcasm I have to use just to make writing about this atrocious game bearable.  There might as well be no story.  It should start out with scrolling text stating the plot saying “Analyze women from afar on a beach like a creep” and then we would all know what to expect from the game.

VERDICT

Dead or Alive Paradise is disappointing in all aspects.  The women do not come off as appealing due to poor graphics.  The minigames included feel broken and incomplete.  Most people will not find much substance here and at a steep $30 there is nothing here justifying that price point.  It is strongly suggested that you pass on this one and wait it out until DOA returns to its normal level of quality.